Day 7:

Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I think I've actually lost my sense of community this year. Last year many of my friends got married. My small group dispersed after doing the All Church Journey, Swing was overrun by couples, and though I participated in a number of races and became a part of the running community, it's more in a general sense than a specific sense.

Online community (saying this makes me die a little inside) is relegated to facebook stalking, as more of a way to get a fix and an escape from real life versus keeping in contact with people.

Boy, this is depressing. Maybe I'll come back to this one.

Day 6:

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing that I made was a cork board. As in, an actually cork board. Made from the corks from wine bottles. One of my good friends has one, and I loved it. So I scavenged a used cork board from the neighbors trash (don’t ask- but people throw away amazing things) and started collecting wine corks. Most recently, I discovered that Whole Foods had a drop off cork recycle box, and people dropped bags of corks into it. I stopped by once and someone had conveniently deposited whole grocery bags full of corks, so all I had to do was nab the bags and voila! A few hours with a glue gun, and I am 98% done. I need to make one more trip to Whole Foods and I’ll be good.

I also found a half-finished scarf that I knitted. I think I was making a scarf to give to a family friend for Christmas of last year. Woops. I’ve started working on it again so that I can give it for this year. It’s not much, but I really like making things for people, and knitting is something that calms me and makes me feel productive when I watch tv or go to movies. Yes, I sneak in knitting to movies. J

Day 5: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of a person. How I hate saying that. How I hate reliving that.

I let go of a person.

I also let go of some… conventions. Accepted norms. I let go of my friends who got married and moved away. I let go of the idea that I should have reached certain milestones by now: marriage, children, a home of my own that I can do with as I please. I let go of moving forward the way I am expected to.

But mostly I spent the year letting go of a person, and trying to find myself through that.

I don’t feel like going into great detail about how losing someone caused me to die a little inside. I forgot how to function there, for a little while. I merely managed to exist, and move through each day, and I lost 11 pounds in two weeks. I spent a lot of time being held, and going out to dinner with a friend, and writing letter after letter to get all the death and destruction out. In doing so, I started to lose myself. But not in a bad way. I let go of making excuses. I let go of irrational hope. I let go of the Joy who takes the abuse and walks away feeling unworthy, unlovable, and sad. I let go of this person and I refused to let him take me too. I found myself. I had moments where I felt like I was becoming the person I always wanted to be. I had moments where I felt like I was loveable, and had worth, and that he was the biggest, stupidest asstard to ever walk the earth.

I was sad to let him go, because he took 4 years with him. I recently (within the past week or so) discovered that he had severed every single online connection with me. It made me feel sad for a brief moment, and then I let that go too.

Day 4:

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

My first thought was to say: Running. Oy vey, ALWAYS with the running. I think that came to mind because I started running outside relatively recently, and there is something really quite awesome when you run along side a rabbit, or a butterfly, surrounded by flowers. It’s a beautiful thing.

But here’s my real answer. I cultivated a sense of wonder in my life most especially because of Anne Lamott. I found one of her books for two dollars and devoured it. I had always been a little hesitant of Anne; a single mother with a penchant for showing her lady parts to the neighborhood who supports abortion and loves Jesus? Um…is that even POSSIBLE? Well, yes. Apparently it is. What I found in her writings was someone just as screwed up (if not MORE SO) than I was. She was crazy. Irrational. Overzealous. And I wanted her to be my friend. I bought as many of her other books as quickly as I could, and I ate them up too.

One of the things I love about Anne is that she incorporates poetry and phrases into her stories. Through this I have belatedly been exposed to the poetry of Rumi and Mary Oliver. I found M.O.’s “Evidence” at the library and fell in love. Her poetry made me want to go out walking in the woods behind my house. It made me appreciate that rabbit I ran with for a few moments, or the butterfly who drifted along on my air currents as I ran through the park. She taught me to look at the world around me, to go out and experience it, and to let it soak into my very being. Nature is one of the few places where I feel close to God, and can believe that He loves me and wants good things.

Wonder is hard to maintain, so I enjoy the glimpses and the moments. I bought a Mary Oliver Anthology. I make a point of staring up at the stars and the moon on a clear night. I run outside as often as I can. And I try to remember that God is not only found in autumn days with a cool breeze and a bright blue sky. I remember that all of everything is a wonder.

Moment.

Yesterday's prompt from Reverb10.com is to write about a moment where I felt alive during this past year. I tried to put a lot of thought into this, but moments that came to mind were all moments I experienced when running.

Earlier this year I went for a solo run at the park near my house. This park has amazing fitness trails, and it's one of the biggest bonuses of moving back with my parents (besides the free rent). Anyways, I had stopped off in September to run a few miles, and I decided to try the outer loop. This loop takes you out into fields and farmland, and removes all of those things that tend to be distracting and detracting from nature. Namely, people, houses, and cars. The only people you generally see are those who are like you - people running or cycling or walking.

On this particular day the sky was a brilliant blue and was punctuated with lovely, fluffy white clouds. The fields still bloomed with the last of the summers wildflowers, and the breeze was soft and cool. I think I ran out a mile or two, smiling the whole way and almost rejoicing in the beauty around me. That sounds a little cheesy to say, but it's the closest I can come to describing how much a refuge it was for me, after being overwhelmed and overstimulated by work and people and life.

I think this is the moment I will choose, although I remember other moments, brief or long that made me feel that I was alive, and happy, and whole.

What gets in the way of my writing? (Day 2)

And, can I eliminate it?

Hmmm. Often times I use writing as a catharsis. When I am most down, most sad, most wistful, most angry...I need to vomit words more often. When life is good...not so much.

But what gets in the way of writing. Tv shows. Work. The gym. Fear of people reading what I write and reacting badly. For a while, after my break-up, I wrote in a journal. I still carry it around with me, as my lifeline. I haven't needed it in a while, but I like to know it's there.

One Word.

I am supposed to pick one word that encapsulates the year of 2010 for me. This is much more difficult than I thought it would be. "Disappointing" comes to mind. Or "awful." There have been so many steps backward and forward this year. That's it; I think I found it. "Bittersweet."

There have been so many things that have gone wrong for me. Painful break-up, learning to live half-alive, moving towards becoming the person I always wanted to be, moving back home to save money, becoming a runner and challenging myself to do races, stepping out of my shell and flying across the country to answer some questions despite the less than stellar outcome...yep. Bittersweet.

And what is my word for 2011? Hope. Or Hopeful. Whatever. I am stepping out and hoping that this year will finally be a good year, one of challenges and new opportunities and maybe a little bit more happiness than I've experienced in the past few years. Here's to Hope.

reverb10.com