Oct 14th. I started my period today (thank God!). It’s both a relief and a hindrance, as I have to use the restroom frequently and my stomach and back are cramping somewhat. I feel bad; I’m relieving myself in Sarah’s bathroom instead of mine.
It’s the first time I’ve visited my friend since she got married, and being with them has been a wonderful experience. They have their jokes, their laughter, their conversation…but none of it makes me feel out of place. Instead, it welcomes me in to the private lives of two wonderful people, who unknowingly reveal to me a world I’m afraid I’ll never have. I was getting to the point where I almost accepted my Perpetual Singleness (I do well enough alone, I suppose) as something I perhaps wanted…but no.
Sarah’s husband put on Michael Buble this morning. I didn’t tell them this, but Home makes me want to curl up and cry. I didn’t do that, of course. Instead I went back to Mannix. I sat at the table eating breakfast, listening to Michael sing, and I remembered when Mannix was over for dinner, and I was in the kitchen helping make dinner and humming or singing or some such nonsense. Mannix and my brother looked at each other. My brother said something quietly to him, he nodded, and I felt happy inside. I thought that the moment was beautiful to him too, I suppose. Later we got into a bit of a fight over it, because my brother had actually said something about me sounding stupid, or something to that effect, and Mannix had agreed. At the end, Mannix asked me if I wanted to know what he had thought when he saw me humming as I prepared dinner. He said he might tell me someday…and the exchange brought back those happy feelings, because Mannix had thought something special about me, even if I didn’t know what it was.
Now, over three years later, I’m laying on an air mattress, alone, in the house my friend shares with her husband. So why am I thinking about Mannix so much lately? I think it’s because he’s the closest I’ve ever been to having the kind of relationship Sarah and her husband are living out in front of me this weekend.
This is what I want. I want a man who loves me, who is kind, and generous. I want a man who’s a bit of a stinker and keeps me on my toes. I want a man who will support me when things are tough, who’ll listen when I just want to talk, who’ll hold me when I have cramps and cry over seemingly little things. I want a man I can come home to after work, who I can make breakfast with, make babies with, make a life with.
I can almost imagine it. When I’m house-sitting, or here alone in Sarah’s house, I can almost see that life, and I want it.
It’s the first time I’ve visited my friend since she got married, and being with them has been a wonderful experience. They have their jokes, their laughter, their conversation…but none of it makes me feel out of place. Instead, it welcomes me in to the private lives of two wonderful people, who unknowingly reveal to me a world I’m afraid I’ll never have. I was getting to the point where I almost accepted my Perpetual Singleness (I do well enough alone, I suppose) as something I perhaps wanted…but no.
Sarah’s husband put on Michael Buble this morning. I didn’t tell them this, but Home makes me want to curl up and cry. I didn’t do that, of course. Instead I went back to Mannix. I sat at the table eating breakfast, listening to Michael sing, and I remembered when Mannix was over for dinner, and I was in the kitchen helping make dinner and humming or singing or some such nonsense. Mannix and my brother looked at each other. My brother said something quietly to him, he nodded, and I felt happy inside. I thought that the moment was beautiful to him too, I suppose. Later we got into a bit of a fight over it, because my brother had actually said something about me sounding stupid, or something to that effect, and Mannix had agreed. At the end, Mannix asked me if I wanted to know what he had thought when he saw me humming as I prepared dinner. He said he might tell me someday…and the exchange brought back those happy feelings, because Mannix had thought something special about me, even if I didn’t know what it was.
Now, over three years later, I’m laying on an air mattress, alone, in the house my friend shares with her husband. So why am I thinking about Mannix so much lately? I think it’s because he’s the closest I’ve ever been to having the kind of relationship Sarah and her husband are living out in front of me this weekend.
This is what I want. I want a man who loves me, who is kind, and generous. I want a man who’s a bit of a stinker and keeps me on my toes. I want a man who will support me when things are tough, who’ll listen when I just want to talk, who’ll hold me when I have cramps and cry over seemingly little things. I want a man I can come home to after work, who I can make breakfast with, make babies with, make a life with.
I can almost imagine it. When I’m house-sitting, or here alone in Sarah’s house, I can almost see that life, and I want it.
posted by Joy at 6:11 PM
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