Day 5: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of a person. How I hate saying that. How I hate reliving that.

I let go of a person.

I also let go of some… conventions. Accepted norms. I let go of my friends who got married and moved away. I let go of the idea that I should have reached certain milestones by now: marriage, children, a home of my own that I can do with as I please. I let go of moving forward the way I am expected to.

But mostly I spent the year letting go of a person, and trying to find myself through that.

I don’t feel like going into great detail about how losing someone caused me to die a little inside. I forgot how to function there, for a little while. I merely managed to exist, and move through each day, and I lost 11 pounds in two weeks. I spent a lot of time being held, and going out to dinner with a friend, and writing letter after letter to get all the death and destruction out. In doing so, I started to lose myself. But not in a bad way. I let go of making excuses. I let go of irrational hope. I let go of the Joy who takes the abuse and walks away feeling unworthy, unlovable, and sad. I let go of this person and I refused to let him take me too. I found myself. I had moments where I felt like I was becoming the person I always wanted to be. I had moments where I felt like I was loveable, and had worth, and that he was the biggest, stupidest asstard to ever walk the earth.

I was sad to let him go, because he took 4 years with him. I recently (within the past week or so) discovered that he had severed every single online connection with me. It made me feel sad for a brief moment, and then I let that go too.