Through a tumultuous turn of events, I have found myself in a dating relationship.

After 2.5 years of singleness, I've moved to only being partly single.

I met Kynan ("Wise or Intelligent") back in December (the 17th, I believe, not that I'm paying attention or anything). Quite frankly, he's amazing. He's smart, considerate, takes initiative, responds well to my frequent bursts of craziness, goofs off with me, is a great kisser, and enables me to feel safe with him.

That's a relatively new feeling, considering I haven't felt safe or secure with a guy in a long time. LOOONNNNGGGG time.

But part of me isn't secure. I see myself moving towards self-sabotaging behaviors with him, partly to see if he'll stick around and partly to push for the inevitable end where he tells me that he's outgrown me.

Maybe I'm not as secure/safe with him as I initially thought.

It's amazing how relationships can screw you up to where you can't tell what's right from wrong anymore. You can't even trust that the guy will be there the next day, the next month, the next year. Why would he want to be? No one else has yet. Kynan won't be any different. . .so I wait. Afraid of feeling too safe and secure because one day he's going to leave me just like Mannix ("a little monk") did. Just like Dolan ("black haired") did. Just like Gannon ("the little blond or fair one") did. Mannix did the most damage, the other's just reinforced the already present wounds.

I like Kynan. We are similar in many ways, on the same page in many ways. He has many of the things I have been looking for. Some things are missing...while he and I are on the relatively same page spiritually, I'm not sure he'd ever move in the direction I wish to go (even if I never get there). Maybe he would; he's surprised me so far with what he's said. We also don't have the same beliefs regarding sex. He is still respectful of my beliefs and opinions, and has been the one to step up and say time and time again "Let's establish rules, because I want to respect you." I almost can't fathom that...a guy neglecting what he wants so that I can not go farther than what I'm comfortable with. Wow.

At the same time, he and I have already gone farther than I have ever gone with anyone else...and we are only dating. Kynan is not my boyfriend, there is no real committment. At any point in time either one of us is free to walk away. Do I want him to walk away? Should I walk away? Am I so needy for love and affection that I will be blind to things that I desire and need in a relationship?

Kynan told me last night that he gave me some information on how guys work so that it will increase my chances of finding a husband. That annoyed me...mainly because I don't want to hear any mention of getting a husband from the guy I'm dating. Mannix used to tell me that I should marry a rich doctor, and that pissed me off too. "If my BOYFRIEND tells me that I should marry a rich doctor," I would think, "then why the hell is he dating me if he's not in the picture later on down the road?!?" And now I'm wondering about Kynan. I'm sure it's very logical to consider all the options with someone you are not even committed to, but if that's the underlying assumption and you are not planning on being in the picture later on, what are you doing with me? GAH.

Kynan then said "I suppose I want you to be happy." That was better.

Anyways...I came to the conclusion this morning that I need to set up some boundaries for myself. Kynan and I can't go on acting like boyfriend and girlfriend when we aren't there. Maybe he's got it figured out in his head, but from what I have seen in myself I sure haven't!

I need to protect myself from taking this casual dating relationship more seriously than it warrants. That means cutting back on physical demonstrations of affections since that signifies committment to me. That means being careful of how much I let Kynan in. He is someone I am getting to know, neither he nor I have committed to each other in any way. That means I need to find what strength I have and use it to maintain self-control in situations where I want to throw it out the window.

This is complex, because I want him to be happy too. And maybe he'd be happier if he didn't have to give so much so that my wishes and desires aren't violated. I think it's incredibly amazing that a guy would do that for me...and it makes me sad that my beliefs keep me from doing the same in this situation. It's good, but it's sad. This is just a small part of life...the give and take, the standing strong, the differences in beliefs, the accomodating. I have so much to learn.

I just hope that at the end of it all, no matter what happens, we both will be the better for having known the other person. And I hope I won't be bearing any new scars.